A walk with my dog

The walk proved to be an outlet for ongoing frustration.

I still feel depressed, which is silly. Things are going good and I still feel bad? People are starving in the world, and I feel bad?? How terrible.

So, I took my dog for a walk after a Saturday’s night out and decided to talk to her. Here’s what I said:

I don’t know Tess, I feel so depressed. I so want to message my ex gf. It’s so hard to resist. I don’t know what’s happening and, you know what? I accept everything. So let’s look at what can be the issue.. Am I gay? I didn’t look at a single guy today – well not in a sexual manner. I never do, but why couldn’t i have sex with the woman I love? It’s so hard to understand things… I don’t think I’m gay, but what I know is I’m terribly shy. Can’t talk to women in clubs, but did I even want to? All I could think of is my ex *tears welling up in eyes* and I just miss her. *tears streaking down face*. She was perfect for me. I imagined with glee, how we would live together, build a house together, have kids together. Such shit Tess, I can’t believe my mind fucked this one up so royally. I want her back so much..

So I feel horrible, but I’m trying to persevere. We all must. What I learned today is that humans (well me) like to substitute sadness for anger. While sadness is considered a weak emotion, anger is considered a powerful. I guess that’s why I sometimes feel extremely angry instead of sad – trying to exude power instead of weakness.

Oh well, back to life

//Monsunsi

Short Rant

I’m going to change the format of this blog. Short and concise from now on.

I hate songs that talk about loss. I can identify myself within them so much.

3 Days Grace “Over and over”:

Over and over,

over and over,

I fall for you,

over and over,

over and over,

I try not to.

It’s hard not to call and ask for her back. I really need a friend in this god forsaken country. Not just someone to hang, but someone to trust and confide.

Well, persevere we must.

//Monsunsi

Let’s talk about knowing yourself

Hey guys and gals,

March has come and gone and so has my vacation back home. It was swell, thanks for asking! I toured the coastline of another country, then went home to get fat and happy – and it worked! I don’t know why, but for some reason, when I came back to the UK I didn’t feel like everything is going to collapse on me. Hurray !

I still have to guard myself constantly. It’s how my brain works. One little thought about self doubt and off I go, remembering all the shit I went through. But I know myself, so I stop it right there. It’s as simple as saying “Chill the fuck out, whatever happens, happens”. Works loads of times, but not all the time.

I still get unhappy though. For example, today the sun is shining and my immediate thought in the morning was, that if I was still with my ex we could do this and that. God, I hate that part of me! However I’m lucky enough to know that this is just a passing thought and nipped it in the bud, before it fully formed.

I get worried that I’m repressing feelings again and they’ll explode in the next relationship. And that this control I have will evaporate and dark thoughts will again overflow my mind, but for now it has to be a carpe diem world for me (although that’s really not me!).

Anyway, knowing yourself and when you’re overreacting helps. Give it a go.

//Monsunsi

Let’s talk about why negative thoughts dominate

Hey gals and guys,

so, I had a wee, tiny, little, itsy breakdown. At work. Oh it was quite horrible, let me tell you about it. I got depressed, my mood plummeted, and my eyes got watery. I couldn’t look at a fellow co-worker without breaking into a full on emotional attack and was struggling to do my work. But you know what happened? My boss happened. She’s quite a good friend and she put up her metaphorical arms around me and gave some structure back. We’re more friends than co-workers nowadays, so it’s logical she was the one to pick up the Monsunsi pieces.

So how did it come to this? Take a dash of bad weather, a spoonful of stress, put in a whole lot of negative thoughts and top with no sexual confidence. So the main ingredient in the brew is negative thoughts.

I got a lot of willpower. When I knew she’s there and I didn’t have to fear to lose her, I picked myself up in minutes (with the occasional bad day in between). Now that she’s gone, I don’t have to be strong to support someone weak. I can’t rely on anyone to solve my problems, not really. I got amazing friends, but there are limits to how much they can help you. It’s up to me to pick myself up and carry on living – and most days I do! But some days negative thoughts just seem to fill the world and engulf me in darkness.

I think the brain is wired to remember fear, danger, sadness and that’s why you’re inclined to remember that more than other things. That’s why, when you lose someone you’ll think about them constantly as you won’t want to lose another person. So you try and focus on the good things – the family, friends around you, the work you enjoy, the hobbies that fill your brain with wonderful things and the partner that keeps your mind sane.

It’s funny how I got most of the above, yet I focus on the last part. The fear to be alone is dominating my world right now. I don’t think I’ll be able to open up like that to anyone for a long time and that’s going to discourage potential mates. Funny how a breakup like that might affect all future relationships.

I wish she cheated on me, broke up cause she was bored, moved away, fell in love in a coworker. It had to be sex. The modern male brain is wired to link confidence with his genitalia.

Well man up Monsunsi. Man, the fuck, up.

//Monsunsi

P.S I don’t wish that. I just want to stop this crippling self doubt. Oh well..

Let’s talk about the word “Love”

Hey gals and guys,

this one is special to me. It’s so unmeasurable, important and irreplaceable, that I can’t understand why its meaning differs so greatly across cultures and people. But it does.

I’ve thought about it for a while now and I came to the same conculsion. The phrase “I love you” doesn’t mean the same to everybody. Heck, it means next to nothing to some.

Saying I love you, was hard for me. I had to get drunk to do it, and the silly thing is, I don’t even remember it properly. Well.. I remember *a* version, but according to my ex, not the right version. I like mine though. In my version I got her alone, looked really stupid for 10 seconds and blurted out “I LOVE YOU” in that drunk slurred fashion. She put on the widest grin and said “I LOVE YOU TOO”. We then kissed and hugged and all was right in the world.

When I say “I love you” I mean that you’re one of the most important people in my life at the moment and it’s going to take something drastic for that to change. I have never said anything close to it to anyone. Friends, family, crushes, sympathies, dogs, cats, you name it. When you say it you open yourself to be hurt and I thought I could finally trust someone.

She said I love you to three other individuals. And here I thought I was special (get real myself, nobody is special)

I’m losing hope. It’s getting harder and harder to have hope internet. I’ll bounce back, I always do, but even when I do, I’m pretty damn sure that nobody I will like, will want a defective person such as myself. Which woman in their right mind would go for a guy, that might have a delightful personality, but will have a very disappointing intimate relationship.

I guess I’ll just keep hoping…

//Monsunsi

Let’s have an imaginary conversation

Hey guys and gals,

I’m going to spin this one a bit differently. You know how you sometimes think what you want to say to a person when you meet him/her next, then just chicken out when you actually meet him/her? The more unnerving and daunting the situation is the more likely it is that you’ll hold that bit of information in. You might not even do it on purpose. Sometimes the subconscious takes over and convinces your brain to forget that piece of information, only to be reminded you after you already said your goodbyes. Although this mechanism forms the mind’s defense system, which should make you feel better, you actually feel bad and unfulfilled at the end.

A tip I got from my psychologist: Have a mental conversation with that person. The aim is that you put yourself in her shoes and thus be more comfortable with your problem. It helps.. a bit. But it doesn’t help always. I encourage all to try it, so let’s give it a go now. Parts in the brackets are my tangible and tacit actions

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Me: Hey there again, long time no see. You’re not avoiding me are you? (grins mischievously, let’s try to get some action from her)

Her: No, not really. (I’m visible annoyed. That’s all the response I get. God damn, I want to end this conversation already)

Me: Oh. Well nice to see you (I lie, it’s really hard to see you. You still look beautiful and you’re out of my reach now)

Her: Yeah, nice to see you too (I don’t believe her. Not one bit. Why is she even here? Why am I so distrusting? I can’t think clearly with her around)

Me: So, let’s just get down to it. I don’t agree with our breakup. You left me because of.. well.. the inaction of my groin area (why is it so hard to say these things? I think I grew too much apart from her, I don’t mind talking about this with my friends.. well I do, but not this much) and I really don’t think it’s fair. Sure, I’m a bit childish and am sometimes more passive than active, but I’m a fucking catch (tears in my eyes, getting angry). Every girl I talk to has so many *real* problems with her boyfriend – he never does anything in the house, he just sits there, he’s irresponsible, he doesn’t treat me well, he’s ashamed of me, we don’t hang out, we don’t talk, we don’t touch each other at all… – and they’re still together. I silently curse the world each time, thinking that we never had these problems. I was attentive, nice, talkative, open, always up for fun, I couldn’t keep my hands off you most of the time, I’m responsible, I’m going to be a good father (here I remember that before I met her I couldn’t imagine myself as a father and I can’t imagine myself being a father since), I’m going to earn plenty. I’m such a well rounded individual and it hurts so much that you left me for sex.

Her: I didn’t leave you because you couldn’t get it up. I left you because that’s how I started feeling around you. The feeling we got after an unsuccessful try just followed me around. First for minutes, then for hours and finally for days. I was so miserable I couldn’t shake the feeling at all. It was horrible. I do think you’re great at a lot of things and if you remember, when I had hope, we did talk about having a house and a family. But then I just couldn’t take it. (fucking pessimists, if she could only find hope)

Me: Little good that does me.. (angry, rage welling up inside)

Her: Well that’s how it goes (trying to calm down, I’m not the person who explodes)

Me: Why the fuck (a little anger seeps through) couldn’t you accept me like that. It was your inability to come to terms with the situation that created such a cluster fuck. Sure I was at fault first for not accepting and resorting to Viagra, but then it was all you. I had to be the rock for myself and for you. And you know what? I didn’t mind! You literally filled my world and even though sometimes I felt like exploding, I reminded myself that apart from this you’re an amazing person and I felt better.

Her: Sorry, but I couldn’t do that. It just remained in my thoughts all this time and even watching you now reminds me of it. You know how much I loved you. If you weren’t as great as you are I’d walk away so much sooner. I really tried.. (her face looks like it has no emotion. Why am I tearing up again and not her?)

Me: You shouldn’t have broken up with me twice then. That was fucking selfish. I suffered enough the first time.

Her:…

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And so the conversation would go. It’s difficult to predict what she would say, but you get the general impression. These things are two way corridors and when you think about it you’re far too emotional to think about clearly. You can only hope that a conversation like this will help you. Top tips are: keep on track and every time you think that might not be what she’d say you’re probably right. Rethink and rephrase, it’s probably going to be very different.

//Monsunsi

Let’s talk about white knights part 2

Hey guys and gals,

very quick update.

I messaged her that she should have fun and that she should stay safe while travelling alone. Classic white knight behaviour. She responded with thanks.

Don’t do it peeps, it’s just horrible.

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In other news, I got the dog for the whole weekend to myself, so lots of training ahead to fill my time! Yaay for activities that divert my always wandering mind.

//Monsunsi

P.S: Check part one of this entry, you’ll know more about why I had to let out this rant: https://whysheleftme.wordpress.com/2015/02/26/lets-talk-about-white-knights/

Let’s talk about white knights

Hey gals and guys,

this segment is dedicated to all us idiots who are white knights. Now, I could google it, provide a proper definiton, but here’s one I thought up all on my lonesome: “A white knight is an idiot, that whenever he sees a damsel (in my case my ex) in distress, he helps her, no matter the pain he inflicts on himself”.

Now, being a white knight, I can tell you first hand why it sucks and why I don’t recommend it to anyone.

It hurts man, *taps his chest*, right here, *points at heart*, like a motherfucker.

Obviously, the distress comes from hormones in the brain, but that’s just semantics.

I helped my ex on two occasions and if she has a crisis again, fuck rationality, I’d help her again. So why do it? I think that when you care(d) for a person you feel a moral obligation to see them safe. My ex is going to Dublin on her own and all I can think about is that I hope she’s safe (she’s going couch surfing on her own). Yes, I agree. The whole concept is fucked up and self-destructive.

Or maybe not…

Everyone has a person(s) in their life that they want to protect. In my case I was so attached to my ex, that that feeling I need to protect her, won’t fade for quite a while. I can even see myself, being in a relationship (fingers crossed), and still worry when she does risky stuff. The persons well-being becomes an integral part of your psyche and instinctively you want to keep that part safe (no matter how much that hurts). The act itself, brings a feeling of fulfilment and purpose, and while helping, you feel as if you were back with that person, only to be crushed by reality a short while after. I’ll give an example:

My ex’s ex boyfriend died in a horrific accident. She loved him once so she still cared about his well-being (as I do for hers). She didn’t love him any more, but his death shook her to the bone. When I heard the news I raced to her side, gave her a massive hug, and talked it out with her. The conversation we had… hurt. It was painful for me to say certain things. It was painful for me to listen to her talking how they hung out and talked, and how he was preparing a special day together in the future. It was hard for me to ask her if she kissed them, if they’re back together. Selfishly I was happy that she was crying and looking away, because every word I said, made me cry and I didn’t want her to see me like that.

We then slept together (only in the same bed) and I held her closely. I stayed up as long as I could to watch over her. When I had to go to the toilet in the middle of the night, she whimpered as if saying “don’t leave”.

I woke up next morning feeling good. I did something good for her and it made me feel good. But then I asked “Want me to stay overnight today too?” to which she responded “No, I need to get used to dealing with it alone” and my heart sank. I got depressed in an instant. Rejected. All the bad feelings came back in a rush. That’s why I never recommend anyone to be a white knight. From an altruistic point of view, you’re an amazing person, but from a selfish one, you’re selfdestructive.

Ultimately, the choice is up to you.

//Monsunsi

Let’s talk about what ‘impossible sex’ does to you after

Hey guys and gals,

First some good news: I have a dog. Well, kinda. She’s half mine. Well not even that, my roommate has legal rights to her. But I was and am involved in all training/food/cuddles that we get/give from/to her. She was a rescue from the RSPCA and I cannot fathom who would hurt the little sweetheart.

She did give me rope-burn though. Damn thing pulls like a horse!

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Back on track now. Things have been going very loopy at the moment. I’ve been happy, excited, energetic and i’ve been miserable, lonely (but not alone) and lethargic. So what did this to me you ask? Well, glad you asked actually, I’ve had this little thought rummaging inside my head for a couple of days now. It’s all about the future – my future to be precise.

There was a time, when I was content to be alone (surrounded with friends, I wasn’t that weird) and life was good. it was simple and straightforward. My ex screwed that one up. Royally screwed it up. I *want* to be in a relationship now. I get it. I know why people go seek girl/boyfriends. You get a sense of belonging, You feel cared for and generally get all those yummy endorphins in your blood stream constantly. It is a good high. And it is gone. The question is, is it gone forever?

I was watching Friends yesterday and there was this scene where Rachael mistakenly filled out an HR evaluation form on her employee. Under performance issues she wrote: God, I hope not! Now, I know it’s a series, but the fact remains. No one wants damaged goods. If he becomes damaged after then that can be worked with, but not from the start. Even though the funnest and most important things happen outside of the bedroom, it’s that intimacy that ensures a connection between the two. So when I would say: Sorry babe, but Lil’ Monsunsi feels knackerd.. AGAIN, that just won’t cut it. No fun bedroom time, no close relationship, distancing, rejection, abandonment.

I really loved my ex. Horribly, disgustingly so. My emotional barricades said fuck it and released it all. As corny as it sounds, I took out my heart, put it in my secrets, desires, trust and gave it to her. No need to say what happened.

So what next? Walk with my head tall, keep doing everything I want, buy all the things I don’t need and never, ever lose hope. There’s always room for hope.

//Monsunsi

Let’s talk about sex in relationships

Hey guys and gals,

So the big reveal is behind us so everything that comes after is going to be nicer and less self critical. Nope.

So I’m gathering intel about how important it is to women, that sex is good (exists) in a relationship. Well the results are still pending, but it’s not promising. Let me share the latest test.

I was in the car with a colleague today. She’s a great person. Another time and another universe, we’d make a great match. But I’m not really attracted to her in that way and she’s not to me. Since friends can push the limit a little further (as opposed to potential partners) I didn’t mind pushing the limits a bit and start asking about sex. I have talked about sex with others, but never with someone as religious as she. The odds were definitely in my favour that she would agree with me and say that sex is not the most important thing in the world.

And she did. For a brief moment I enjoyed respite, faith in relationships being restored. But everything that followed wasn’t as promising. Let’s start at the top.

Me: “So you waited until marriage?”

Her: “Yeah, it’s really important that you know you can be with someone even without sex”  (yaay!)

Me: “Oh, I totally agree”

Her: “Just imagine that if you had sex once and then never had it again. How horrible that must feel”

The conversation spiralled downhill from there. Yes, I thought, it would be horrible. It would be devastating to the one that would get dumped because of it. Not because you get dumped. Sure, she was the love of your life, and you enjoyed spending time with her. And she fulfilled you in ways that you never knew existed.

Wait.. What was I talking about again? Oh yes. What does affect you, in quite a profound way, is the realisation that, even if you find someone *that* special again, your inability to engage in coitus might hamper any longevity in your relationship. In other words: “No sex, no girlfriend”

And that dear blog readers sucks. A lot. Depressingly so. However, depending on the type of person you are, you bounce back, at least I do. You just got to get comfortable with the aspect that you might end up alone, or in my case: alone with many dogs and good friends. At times of crisis, there is nothing better than friends. Well maybe ice-cream. There’s always room for ice-cream.

//Monsunsi